I just turned 30. Hooray for me! I feel like people have to take me seriously now. Of course I know they won’t, but it helps my flagging confidence to day dream that it may just be true. I’m no longer a 20-something. Apparently, it often happens at these “milestone birthdays” that you do a stock-take of your life to this point. My mind has clicked into this mode and its been a bit unnerving. As I look back now I get a flood of mixed emotions. I’m an adult, and I suppose I should be gaining some momentum on my life-path. There is some sense of that, but there is definitely a bitter taste to it all.
I feel positive about the fact that I seem to have done everything I wanted to. What I mean by that is that if my ‘17 years old self’ could see me sitting here in this coffee shop, and know where I have been and what I have done, I think he would be really impressed, his expectations exceeded, his dreams realised in flesh. I always wanted to be a Pastor, Priest, Minister, or whatever you happen to call it. I have worked in 7 churches up until now and a number of other ministries. I’ve become quite a professional. I can preach, lead worship and do all that other churchy stuff well. People are always “very impressed”. Up until now I have studied and got two undergraduate degrees, which I think makes my mom more proud than it does me. I have run events for teens here in South Africa that have been packed with over 1000 young people. I have had two Christian bands which have been able to play for hundreds of people and I’ve recorded a demo CD with my own songs which I still have to do something with. On top of it all I have been ordained and been accepted as a Pastor in the Baptist Church. So surely I have made it. Done. Check. Now I just have to sit back and enjoy it. I should feel happy, even excited.
But I can’t.
If I’m honest I feel sad. I feel really lonely and misunderstood. I feel disappointed, disillusioned, and I just want to run away. I’m confused. This is not what I thought it would be. Its like I have given everything up to get into a room full of promise only to eventually be allowed to walk through a door that leads to a dry, dusty ‘no where’. I definitely made my share of mistakes, but I don’t think the rose-colored glasses fell off because of anything I did. In short, I feel like I have had my eyes opened to what God really thinks is important and what the Institutional Church thinks is important, and they just don’t line up.
So in the words of Craig David, “I’m walking away”, from my need to save the institutional western church, or sort it out. I need some time and space to lick my wounds. I want a fresh start and an opportunity to sort the wood from the trees again. I’m hoping that in this time things become clearer and that maybe there emerges a way forward. I’m officially in recovery… and loving it!
Interesting blog, I’ll try and spread the word.
I’ve just come across your blogs and am completely hooked. We constantly come across people who have dropped out of “institutional church”; one lady in her 70s after decades of serving as a missionary in Nepal. My husband and I planted something a few years ago that was geared up for people outside the church – those who had rejected church but wanted to explore faith in God! But we have ended up just becoming like any other church (although a bit wacky!!!) and it has left us disatisfied. So I will be following your blogs with interest as we travel our own journey of “recovering” what we have lost. We live in the UK, but studied in Cape Town. And we are 40 somethings – heading for the next big one with a zero at the end! And the bad news is that we are still waiting for people to take us seriously as well!!!
Keep them coming Sean.
JayTee
Sean, I had to chuckle reading this… been there , done that .. and (wait for it) – no longer even a 30 something (ouch!).. but then again I have been in mid-life crises since about 18 or so..
the short history (8 years preparing for missions, youth blah, bands blah (still at it
.. http://www.myspace.com/oneminutelater) , studied at baptist, charismatic and UNISA theological colleges, 1 years among a 99% muslim unreached etc.. and wearied of the “institution” that ceases to be a “movement” (apologies to Dawid Bosch)..
But enough of the CV.
For my sins I run/own an IT company (never wanted the “entrepeneural” badge (money right! The root of all .. what was that again).. and spend a good percentage of my “good fortune” shouting at God as to why the hell I never “did the “WORK”.. you know *THE* work.).
Anyway, needless to say – He’s good. I am in learning (at 40, (did I say ouch?)) and still working what it actively means to be “in him, on earth, serving kingdom, and helping to try and contribute to this thing called “church”" (but not having been in a formal church service for the last 3 years doesn’t really lend the kinda credibility one needs for certain circles for that discussion
).
So…I have a lot of discussion like this and God willing will get to the 2 part dialogue that starts with “How the church has failed my generation” and continues with “How my generation has failed the church”…
My little contributions.. but I sense the same “weariness” in you (am I wrong) and will pop in to chat if that is OK on here if it helps..
It is not all “over” and we are not quite “alone” as we sometimes feel and … well, God (surprise surprise) is not surprised.. but we are having to redefine (not quite as radical as “reform”, but close) what is means to be “church” 2010 (just had to use the soccer year.. cudn’t exactly say millenium 3.. barely even started! – or how about “postmodernly” (cool , hey!).
Enough ! – just want to say “hi”.. anyway, thanks for the link to the bog. Stay in touch.
S
Hi Sean,
I’ve read about 4 posts so far and I love your website. On one of your posts you mentioned people feel like they are part of a community because they have hundreds of Facebook friends (ha, ha)…Well, I wouldn’t know about that as I seem to be the last person in the Western Hemisphere to not be signed up on Facebook, but I am grateful for the internet and blogs like yours. I too feel like I’m “In Recovery” from my dealings with the church and while reading your words I know someone out there “gets it”, so thanks
I recently read a book that you might like – it said a lot of things that have been on my mind lately. It is my opinion that Jesus would not be too impressed by a lot of what goes on “in His name” in the church. It’s called “The End of Religion” by Bruxy Cavey. Cavey is actually a Christian pastor himself and is a fervent believer in the Biblical Jesus Christ. It helped me, maybe it will help you too
Yeah Sean, all that you & the other guys say is depressingly true in all of our lives. My story same stuff different happenings! I have come 2 realise that I needed to be “de-christianised or rather de-churchified” in order to find what God is really saying to me. Obviously I realize that we all come from a context & we cant escape that, no matter how hard we try, but to ask God to expand our context, now that is a different thing altogether.
So much to say, not knowing where to start! lookin forward to the journey (I think!!)
Hi there,
I dig your use of pics and text. Where do you get the fonts? My blog is downright boring and I’d love to get some eyecandy like that going. Any suggestions?
Hey Mark… you can download free fonts all over the internet. Just google and look through some of the packs you find. I enjoy ‘free mac fonts’. I use “Impact” a lot, which is a default font already on your computer. I also use “Badaboom”, which is a free font I downloaded. Then it’s just a case of finding the right image and placing the text. I use a cheap mac program similar to photoshop called, “Pixelmator”. Sometimes I keep it simple and just play with the opacity and other times I get a bit more fancy and add shadows etcby duplicating the layer, switching it to black and playing with blur. I hope this helps.
Hi Sean,
You inspired me and I downloaded GIMP. I’ve played around with two images so far but frankly I can see this is a skill that’ll take some time to master.
Thanks for the feedback.